Welcome Back : Depression

I hate being so weak..

I hate crying hours on end..

Why am I so full of sadness? Why do I have so much hatred in my head?

If it’s not being sad, it’s the anger that gets the best of me. Doctor said it’d pass as I got older, but it seems to only get worse each passing month. I really wanted to believe him. That was October 2004. Almost seven years ago. Sometimes I don’t even know what’s keeping me lingering around. Maybe it’s because I like the pain, I hold it in because I hate the attention it brings sometimes. The more I explain my illness the more people retreat and fail to understand. Black people don’t get depressed. I’ve often heard this growing up, so that’s even more reason I kept my head high with smile in tow. I can help other with depression, but at the end of the day the real person who needs help is me. Will I seek it? No. It’s too late for me, but I’ll sometimes entertain people’s ideas about medications and therapy.

Some times I have to admit…I miss the feeling and hold the meds had on my body. I was trapped inside my body. Do you know what it’s like wanting so much to do something but not be in control of your own body? What’s worse is that I was aware. Tears would often pour from my eyes, but that’s it…they were just tears. All emotion, all of what separates us from beasts was stripped from me. Eat and drink just enough to survive, speak few words if any at all…